


Watch Me Fall Apart

by an_idle_teen



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 14:48:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_idle_teen/pseuds/an_idle_teen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry just wants to be beautiful.</p><p>Louis just wants him to realize that he already is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Watch Me Fall Apart

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Eating disorders. 
> 
> Title from the song Only Love, by Ben Howard.
> 
> I got this idea from another fic I read, and I hope you enjoy it!! xx

It's not that Harry hated food or anything. On the contrary, he loved to eat. He loved fast food: nuggets, fries, thick mint chocolate chip shakes. He loved pigging out with the lads, eating greasy pizza and crisps. He was the type of lad who would shove packaged cookies and brownies in his school bag in case he got hungry or bored throughout the day. Yes, he really did love food.

It's just, he loved being thin even more, even more than his endless hunger for all those foods. 

He lusted for collarbones that would show through his thin T-Shirts. He desired the flatness of his tummy, revealing sharp, lovely hip bones. He loved how delicate his wrists looked, dark blue veins prominent through pale flesh. He became addicted to the way he could feel his bones, showing under skin stretched tight; addicted to being able to count his ribs with shaking fingers. He’d look in the mirror he and Louis shared and would just touch, all over, feeling how skinny he was starting to become.

While Harry loved to eat, he knew that he would never become perfect if he continued on the way that he was.

He set up meetings with a personal trainer and came up with his own strict diet and exercise plan. He would grin whenever he stepped onto his new little digital scale - the number was always lower than the previous time he'd checked.

At first, he had almost no self control. He would be just finishing off a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream before he even realized what was happening. Those were the days that he would force himself to throw it all back up, an event so unpleasant that he eventually beat the urge to eat until he couldn't eat anymore. He was finding that he didn't want any of the foods he did before; he didn't really want any food, to be honest.

All he wanted was to be beautiful.

In that process though, he was hurting the people that he loved the most.

Take Louis, for example. 

At first, Louis had tried to ignore it, figuring that Harry knew what he was doing. Although Harry obviously had no plans of stopping, Louis didn’t want to say anything. He felt like it wasn’t his place to do so, right?

And so Harry continued to get smaller and smaller, a ghost of the boy he had once been. He grew more and more joyous at his success, and more and more withdrawn from the ones that loved him.

 

*

 

Eventually, Harry fainted at rehearsals. He had been feeling a bit more light-headed than usual, but tried to ignore it, he wanted to become perfect, and would just have to get used to it, he figured. 

He was in the middle of singing his solo in Little Things (how ironic, yeah?) and just fainted, falling bodily to the unforgiving floor.

Instantly all his bandmates rushed over, Louis the quickest of them all. Zayn was freaking out, yelling harshly for someone to call a damn ambulance. Liam complied, taking his iPhone out of his back pocket, tapping in 999 with shaky fingers. Niall was shaking as well, eyes tearing up and his hands over his mouth in shock.

As soon as Louis was by Harry's side, he dropped to the floor as well, gently cradling the younger boy's head in his lap. He pushed back the curls from Harry's startlingly pale face, unable to hold back his tears.

 

*

 

He could hear the faint sound of the ambulance finally arriving, but he all he focused on was Harry. Harry, and arms. Arms? He could see the arms pulling Harry away from him. He was confused, and as if in a daze, went to reach for the younger lad again, when he felt someone holding him back, keeping him away from Harry. 

Instantly Louis started to struggle, and eventually the paramedics gave up, sighing in defeat. “We’ll just take him with us, poor lad.”

Louis gripped Harry’s hand lightly the whole ride to the hospital, too afraid to hold on any tighter, lest he break the fragile bones. 

 

*

 

When they finally arrived at the emergency room, Louis was forced to sit in the waiting room. Alone. Away from Harry. 

For about half an hour Louis was alone, crying, his eyes unfocused as he stared at the ugly brown carpet. 

The rest of the lads showed up not too long after that thirty minute mark passed, gently asking Louis if he'd heard anything about Harry's current condition. Louis told them, through his seemingly endless sobs, that no one would tell him anything, that he had no idea how Harry was doing.

They left soon after that, promising to be back as soon as they could, but they had to let management, and Anne, know about what happened with Harry.

So Louis was alone again, hating himself because he knew, he had known along. Harry wasn't okay, Harry was sick, and Louis just tried to overlook it all. What type of horrible person was he?

A little while later an older looking man (the doctor, Louis presumed) came out, saying softly that Harry would be okay. He also mentioned that Harry's stomach had been empty, and it was safe to say that he hadn’t eaten anything in at least two or three days.

Louis jumped up at that, unsteady and looking like he would collapse at any moment. The doctor seemed to sense his urgency, and told Louis that he could go see Harry now if he wanted, but they were going to be keeping the fragile boy overnight, just to be safe. Louis was shown into Harry’s room, and the doctor quickly showed himself out, letting the two lads be alone.

 

*

 

Louis was unsure if Harry would be awake or not, and he wasn't too sure of what he would say if the curly haired lad was awake. Would he yell? Ask why?

Luckily, or maybe unluckily, Harry seemed to still be asleep, eyelashes fluttering. Louis pulled up an uncomfortable looking blue chair, next to the bed Harry was resting in. Harry looked sickeningly fragile, paler than Louis had ever seen him before. He looked so small under the too bright hospital lights. His collarbones were protruding from his thin green hospital gown, and Louis gently reached out to stroke them, both awed and a bit put off by how easily he could feel them.

At Louis' gentle prodding, Harry woke up, green eyes heavily lidded.

 

*

 

"Hey, Lou..." Harry's voice was rough, and Louis quickly grabbed the small plastic cup of water that was left on the side of the bed, handing it to him.

Harry took it gratefully, and Louis let him finish drinking until he decided to speak.

"Haz, babe, why?" Is all he was able to choke out, feeling near tears, yet again. He didn't understand why this amazingly perfect and beautiful and funny and kind and charming and goofy and lovely boy would ever want to starve himself, to become something so easily breakable. 

Harry stared at his boyfriend for a few moments, unblinking. Why? That was a really great question actually, why had it all started? Why did Harry hate himself so much?

He shrugged, "I dunno."

Louis stared right back, unbelieving. "You... don't know?"

Because what the hell. How could somebody ruin themselves so thoroughly, and not even have a reason? Louis isn't buying that answer for even a second. 

 

*

 

Harry froze, seeing the angry look in Louis' eyes. He knew that Louis wasn't angry at him, per se, but at the whole situation. It didn't make him feel any better though. It just made him feel worse. 

Louis must have realized that he wasn't helping any, and took a deep breath, willing away the angry thoughts. 

"Okay, sorry babe, I just... love you. I want you to be happy, and healthy!" Louis spoke earnestly, grabbing Harry's fragile hands and holding on tightly. 

He needed Harry to know how beautiful he was, how amazing. 

"Please... get help. I don't want to see you like this," Louis whispered, voice cracking and eyes tearing up. 

It kills him, seeing what Harry has done to himself. And he just fucking let it happen. 

 

*

 

Harry thought about it for a moment. Get help? But why? He's fine, right? Everything is just fine. 

But then he looked up at Louis, and saw just how fucking affected he was by all of this shit, and reconsidered.

He really had been missing food, and even more than that, had been missing being truly happy. 

 

*

 

"Okay, Lou..."

"Alright babe, we'll get through this together." 

 

-fin-


End file.
